well, every disease must have a care.
anorexia have a care, and it hurts, but i’ve do it. now i thinking “ho! you’re fucking fat!” but a voice inside me remember when i walked throught the doctor’s door and i fall down. without any force. my legs was thin. i was an european 38. a model. no fat on my body, only bones… and skin.
something is changed in my mind, i don’t know what but… that’s change. my parents send me to an ice hockey goalie camp. here i feel sick, because i didn’t want to eat, at first, but before a cuple of days i eat my first plate of pasta. simple white pasta, with some grated parmigiano cheese. that’s delicious . i don’t eat pasta for few months..
well, i’ve tried to suicide myself for 3 times, because i think i was not good for stay alive.
now i’ve adopted another philosophy.
my aunt dragged me to holidays (maldives! not bad at all!!)
now i run. every empty time i run. for 4 km, now, but i want to be better.
next days i’ve an appointment with a dietolog. they say me for many time that my diet is dangerous (carbohidrates and vegetables, fruits and rarely sweets)
i think now my vegetarian creed must be destroied.
mm. i’m not sure at all. i want only to be…
be! be good.. with myself first!
now i do homeworks.. then, ggo to run :)
…but I’m not really OK…
However, how can something bhe OK when you dream of breaking mirrors? Obiviously there’s something wrong with you…
Right! Something wrong! Like…like the song! Problems of Sex Pistols!
Well I can see
There’s something wrong with you
That means that I’ve problems? Maybe the answer is yes, but who the hell in this (sorry) fuckin’ world has no problems?
No one, I’m sure!
Sorry for these stupid words…is like…another of my streams of consciousness…
yeah.
that’s important. Now we’re teen agers with dreams and who want to live forever… etc. but.. if we don’t have an objective, a goal, an ispiration, what we want to do in our life?
now i’m fighted between hockey and anorexia. i’m out a step between each of that. i don’t know what i really wat to do. i’m nervous (i think i need some anti-depressive pills or humor stabilizator ) i’m out of control. now i’m tryng to put ON some weight. 65 it’s good. it’s not much but how i need to do hockey. i’m scared about eat meat. i don’t want it..
but i must go to play now.
i’m oppressed. i’m thinking about suicide. i don’t know were i’m goin.
WHO I AM? now i’m cryng. the weight on my bones… mi extremely long legs.. my short hair. i hate each singular atom of my body.
R I P
_Miko
that things never go how you wish…
The guy that you like doesn’t like you…well, you really don’t know, you know only that he doesn’t looks at you and you are too scared of speakin’ with him…
paranoia
my best friend in this days…rainy, sad, lonely days…I often think about the future…I’m gonna be a designer or a fashion photographer…I dunno if I’ll reach my goal…I think about my future bright days (they must happen…if life’s always like this moments that i’m livin, i can really think about suicide), but then…I think about him.
You know…sometimes you look at him, and you want to hug him…but…is orribol when you fell in love with someone that ignores you. Completely.
The only thing I can do is wait…wait…wait…Have I done something else in my life?
i’m bored about my life.
arthur (my cat) is bigger than the last month… i hope he will be a lion ;) he’s howesome, so sweet and.. cool. he look’s like silvester the cat of looney tunes :) he have also the white tip on the tail <3
i love him!
(men are only things, stupid, silly, and…. -bad for us- heart brokers)
at school i’m badly placed. Tomorrow i have a lifesaving question, on latin and english.
i’m scared.
I want to leave right now. this summer i went to wien, india and maldives.
also asiago, in italy, where i want to improve my goalie status.
I’ll make it? Now it’s hard for me make the scales. today my weight was 119. i don’t know if i wont to tourn back and win with italian hockey national team, or be ana.
Now EDNOS is what i am.
i wont to esc.
I want to run away!
…I just walked in the rain with a pair of orrible violet teacher-looking trousers, but i bought a studded collar so i’m happy.
I also lost 2kg so reallyreallyreally happy! :D
the only thing is that the guy that i like did’t watch to me and i think he’ll never do that…so…
goodnight guys! :)
Today i’m going out with my cousin, Paula. I’ve eated in a mozzarella bar one of this. I think i’ve eated about 500 calories. No problem. I’ve walked for 2 hours before… it isn’t strange eat 500 kcal.. or not?
Than i go back home… i’ve eated cheese. a lot of it. tomorrow gym. I must.
_Miko
